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swallowed by a snake picture

Grief and Desire – Excerpt

Grief and Desire,

Grief is related to desire. Desire is the source of both grief and happiness; if you have desires of any kind you will undoubtedly have grief. If your desire is met, you may find joy, and if it isn’t, there is grief. Joy and grief are brothers in a way, and if you experience one fully you will probably experience the other in its fullness. If you deny either one, you will limit the other to the same degree. If you deny your grief, you limit your joy; if you deny your joy, you limit your grief.

A man I worked with named Phil immediately saw how this related to his own life. He said, “You know, that’s why I had all those upsetting feelings at my mid-life period. I was dealing with all my unmet desires for success at work.” He remembered his fantasies of huge success, at being top in his field, and realized that when he reached mid-life he experienced the loss of the possibility of his dreams coming to fruition.

pg 8,  Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing



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Introduction to the Golden Healing Newsletter

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Introduction to Golden Healing Newsletter #7

Welcome to the Golden Healing Weekly Newsletter.  Each issue will feature a very short nugget about healing and feeling good.  It may be a question, a video, an excerpt, or a paragraph.  It will be designed to take just 1-2 minutes to digest and will hopefully bring to light some aspect of healing and then offer a quick question or suggestion to stimulate some thought, action, or discussion. 
The issues in the newsletter will focus on our everyday healing from loss and trauma.   We will not be looking at pathologies but at the normal everyday issues we all experience in working at feeling good.  What is it that helps us in feeling good?  What keeps us from this?  What can we do to maximize the enjoyment of our lives?
Each newsletter will also contain an excerpt that from my writing or a video clip from my speaking that is related to the issues being addressed.
Please feel free to offer feedback and suggestions about topics.
The first issue will be published on March 21,2016.

A Newsletter from Tom Golden on Healing and Feeling good.  Bio of Tom. Online conslts with Tom.

Tom’s newest book The Way Men Heal is available in paperback or kindle.

Tom’s original book on men and healing.  Praised by Kubler-Ross and others.  It is available in paperback or kindle.

To see things in the seed, that is genius.
Lao Tzu

Excerpt, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing, page 7

Grief is a part of life. We are familiar with our responses to gain and celebration, and grief is the other side of that coin. Grief, simply put, is the physical, emotional, and mental responses we have to a loss of any kind. We expect grief to flow from a major loss such as the death of a friend or family member, but it can also flow in smaller amounts from ordinary, everyday losses. Such losses might be the conclusion of your favorite time of year, a holiday, or being in a traffic jam and late for an important meeting. These smaller losses are examples of what is termed micro-grief. Grief can be related to losses of childhood, such as the loss of seeing the world as a safe place, or all of the unmet expectations, thwarted intentions, or unspoken communications we might have stored inside us. When looked at in this way, we begin to see that grief is an integral part of being alive, a part of our daily living. It is woven into the fabric of life.  (buy online)

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Tom Golden  is a internationally known speaker who has been well received by enthusiastic audiences in Australia, Canada, Europe,  and the United States for more than a decade. Tom’s spontaneous speaking style weaves storytelling and humor into into a captivating experience that is rich in new information and new ways of seeing grief and healing from loss. If you are interested in having Tom come and do a presentation or if you just have some questions feel free to give him a call at 301 670-1027. You can also reach him via email at

A Few Comments

“What a skilled teacher, I got my money’s worth.”
“This workshop was excellent!! Material was new and useful!”
“Thank you for making it interesting and fun and above all grounded in reality.”
“I feel that today was a journey for me as a person and also as a caring professional.”
“I will help me be much more effective with men.”
“Wonderful, and too short. Human, warm, and wise.”
“I found the information useful and artfully presented. We needed more of his time.”
“An excellent, lively workshop. Time passed too quickly.”
“Excellent, informative, and humble speaker.”
“Conversant with his subject as well as humane and humorous.”

Don’t just take others words for it. Watch the 20 minute video of a presentation Tom gave in the Summer of 2007 at a conference in Washington DC.


Men’s Issues

The more I worked with grieving men in the 1980’s and 90’s  the more I became aware of a strong cultural bias against men and anything having to do with emotions/dependency.  The grief and trauma gave me a very good view into the hardships that traumatized men faced in not being heard or acknowledged in their emotional pain.  It became very clear that a man’s emotional pain was simply taboo in our culture.

Once I started seeing this clearly I began to see the many other areas where men faced hardship and discrimination based on the same unwillingness for anyone to honor their pain or dependency.  These ideas came into clear focus once I read Warren Farrell’s landmark book The Myth of Male Power.  I saw then that what I had experienced was simply a small part of a much larger picture for men. Farrell labelled this as men’s disposability.  In other words, if men were seen as disposable then their pain was seen as unimportant or worse. Farrell explained that every successful culture that has ever existed has found a way to make their men disposable.  This was not some nefarious plot, it was geared specifically to insure our survival.  Women were protected and men did the protecting no matter how dangerous.  Thus we end up now with nearly all war deaths being male, 93% of workplace deaths being male, all our resources going to women’s health issues and much less going to men’s.  All of these things hinge on the same idea that Farrell had brought to light.

To make matters worse I started seeing how men were not only ignored in their pain but in the late 20th century men as a group were blamed for the ills of society.  It is fair game to say just about anything negative about men but verboten to say anything close to be negative about all women.  It was easy to see the connection of Farrell’s ideas to this sort of double standard but it was also very easy to see that no one else seemed to see this.  Very, very few.

Since that time I have been working to bring men’s issues to light.  Not just the issues of grief and trauma but all of the other related issues including things like domestic violence, suicide, men’s health, false accusations, and many more.  I built a web site called Men Are Good and used it to house the different ideas about men and their plight in our culture.  You can find that site here Men Are Good.  I also have a youtube channel titled men are good and a google+ page of the same name.

Have been fortunate to have been involved in writing a proposal for a White House Council for Boys and Men with a great group brought together by Warren Farrell. You can see our proposal here.

I was fortunate to have been the vice chair of the Maryland Commission for Men’s Health and wrote three reports that surveyed the health status of men in Maryland.  One report was on Men’s Health in general in Maryland, another was on Men, Boys, and Suicide and another on Male Victims of Domestic Violence.   If you want to see the official version of these files  you can find them here.  The prior links may be a little easier to read.

I continue to write on the men are good site and also have started submitting articles to A Voice For Men.  This AVFM site is growing rapidly and is truly becoming a voice for men.


We have a long path for men to reach a point where they are treated in an equitable manner and with love and respect.  In some ways men’s issues reminds me of the way grief was treated back in the 1970’s when I first started working.  No one really knew much about it, people blew it off, and the only thing going on was a few folks working to bring awareness.  Sounds similar to men’s issues in today’s world.  Remember, men are people too.




Tom has built a web site for men’s issues related topic titled